Thoughts from the Bride

I’ve been on quite the hiatus, not just from the blog but from wedding planning. I want to be frank and honest: I’m bad at weddings, maybe by choice, maybe through frustration. Some people were born to plan grand weddings with hired fairies to float the ball room floor. I don’t know what I was born for, but wedding planning is far from my vocation.

To fail is to suffer agony in Tartarus, is my mantra. I don’t fail. But I’ve had to admit that maybe it’s acceptable to be better at writing articles on manufacturing technology than picking out flowers. At the moment, I’d prefer to be better at linen colors. Or bear racing. No, shark racing. The World’s Fastest Shark Racer, a game of blood, death and limb loss.

That has nothing to do with weddings. I’ve been keen on sharing my experiences because I want other people out there to empathize/ know I empathize with them. Unfortunately, I don’t have much advice for brides at the moment. My maid of honor has taken charge of the florist and caterer and my fiance is working on the DJ while I’ve been in Texas telling people about 3D printing. However! I have some advice for wedding guests…

1. Please don’t ask if you can bring a guest. You’ve clearly only watched simpering “chic flics” where everyone has to have a wedding guest to exaggerate the main heroine’s lack thereof. Of course we’d love it if you could bring your fraternity. But we are having a small wedding, and inviting you meant excluding one of my childhood friends. If that’s not good enough for you I’m sure she’d be glad to take your place. (Not that we aren’t thrilled and blessed to have you in attendance.) Seriously though, it makes us so uncomfortable to say “no” after we’ve tried to move the budget around.
2. That being said, I do have one advice for brides. A good rule of thumb if you need to keep the guest count in check: If your guest has a husband/ wife or long term partner/ bf/ gf invite their someone. Married couples are pretty obvious, but if the guest has a someone they’ve been dating for years make sure they get invited. Besides, you want your guest to have a good time! Make sure guests have a date if it’s unlikely they will know anyone else.
3. If you want to assist the bride/ groom in some way with the wedding, volunteer to help the day of via setting something up or transporting the cake. There are a million day-of tasks that I haven’t even begun to stress over, and the most wonderful thing in the world is being offered wedding day aid. Sending me pictures of table decorations you think I should have: Not so helpful, though sweet of you to think of me!

I know weddings are about celebrating with people you love, which is why our guest list is really special to us. It’s difficult remembering, as a bride, that this isn’t just a big party where I’m obligated to feel guilty that I forgot to invite my friend’s cousin’s boyfriend’s sister. Weddings are about saying goodbye and hello. Weddings are about sharing the beginnings of a new life with those you want in your new married life as you grow into two people who live together and pay bills and stupid taxes.

Such romance.

Finding the Perfect Wedding Venue

Finding the right wedding venue was a two month process for myself and my fiance.

We began looking at wedding venues as soon as that shiny engagement ring was on my finger, but it took over two months before we found a venue that felt right. At times, the search became incredibly frustrating; there just wasn’t a place that was even close to perfect. I won’t dull you with the details (this time) so here’s a list of what to ask before you even begin looking for a wedding venue, and what to ask each venue as you visit.

Will your fiance (or fiancee) be involved in the venue choice?

Most married couples I spoke to during the 2+ months of venue hunting were fairly surprised to hear that my fiance was heavily involved in the venue decision. This choice is up to you as a couple and it really depends on your relationship. For us, it hadn’t even occurred to our wedding-noob minds that we might pick the place of our wedding without each other’s input. When you’re preparing for a wedding there are going to be a lot of conflicting voices about what you should do and where you should get married, so having my fiance there on my side was really helpful, except when it wasn’t. But even when he wasn’t helpful, he was keeping me focused on the end prize.

Here’s what happened: My fiance and I talked about the kind of venue we wanted. Trees, lots of trees, and lights; something Midsummer Nights Fairy Haven style. But 45 days into the search I got really tired of looking. We stumbled upon a venue with a beautiful rose garden for the ceremony, and I was hooked. I wanted that place, immediately. I was ready to sign a deposit. My fiance reminded me that we had agreed on trees, not roses; was I sure I suddenly wanted roses, he asked. YES, ROSES FOR DAYS, said I in the moment. Luckily, the rest of my family suggested I sleep on it. Two weeks later we found the perfect tree venue in a secluded walnut grove. The wait was worth it, my mini tantrum over my fiance’s unwanted opinion was quietly forgotten. And we’re so happy, and the venue is exactly what we wanted.

Moral of the story: My fiance kept me focused on what I really wanted and didn’t let me become distracted by what was easy, and I’m much happier with the venue we found than I ever would have been with the venue I wanted to settle for. Perhaps this is some kind of marriage foreshadowing; for now, it’s my advice to you to either have your fiance or maid of honor really tune into what you want and then hold you to it because there will be hundreds of moments where you’ll say, “Yeah, let’s just do everything mauve. It’ll be like the ’80s, whatever just stop asking me questions!”

How many guests (roughly) do you plan on inviting?

This is a question that every venue will ask you after you’ve completed touring the location, but that’s not why guest count is really important. Most venue sites offer multiple ceremony and reception locations and with those offerings comes a stringent guest minimum or maximum. For example, there were a few sites my fiance and I visited only to be informed that the particular ceremony/ reception site we wanted was only available if you had a minimum of X guests; it would have been really helpful if we had asked upfront if the site we were most interested in was even available for small weddings like ours. The reason wedding venues place minimum and maximum guest counts is because the sites themselves are larger or smaller; a larger site has to meet a minimum guest count to make the right kind of profit – for a number of reasons, but you get the idea, it’s fairly practical. Know what your definite minimum or maximum might be within 20 guests (I’d estimate) and it will help you to avoid wasted trips to venues you can’t use.

Does your potential venue have a catering contract?

The venue we are using has a caterer you must use with your reception. For us, this was fantastic because we didn’t have to go hunting for caterers. Some sites will give you a suggested catering list. Be sure to actually eat the food before you pick a caterer. I was lucky enough to go to a wedding with the caterer we’re using, so I already know the food and service rock.

How much is too much?

This isn’t really about money ok!

Wedding venues can be a huge blast to go through. The sites kind of treat you like a princess, with champagne and appetizers – they’re courting you essentially, and it’s fantastic. We went to venues up and down California, starting at 30 minutes from our hometown to 3 hours from our hometown (I liked visiting wine country because even though the venue was wrong, the wine was great). Each venue offers a slew of options, from full entertainment, drinks, food and dessert to just the ground you walk upon. It’s up to you to look through all the offerings and decide how much you want from what they offer, and what’s just too much (and not practical with your budget).

As I mentioned, we have a caterer through our site, but dessert is not included. The first venue we visited had dessert included with a champagne toast, which was great in that it saves the stress of looking for a cake store but doesn’t save your budget. Another venue we went to had the option of finding the entertainment for your party which again saves you the trouble of finding a DJ, but doesn’t guarentee you’ll like the DJ they have on hand. There are pros and cons to hunting for your own cakes and DJs; it’s all about how much you want to own your night. And maybe you don’t really care! In that case get quotes from venues with all-inclusive packages – I mean, if a site has a particular cake or DJ they use all the time, there must be a reason.

How Far is Too Far

We thought about getting married in the woods. I had seen Pinterest photos of weddings done beautifully at summer camp sites. We even got a quote for a venue in a State Park.

Doing a remote wedding site isn’t just about having to trek in all your supplies, it’s also about trekking in your guests and their food and lodging. For one remote location we realized not only would our guests be spending a ton just to sleep the night in a cabin, but they’d be left with hauling in their food for the next morning, or we would be left with hauling in even more food for them the next morning. I know there are folks who somehow make the remote wedding thing work – I’ve heard that a camping wedding can be fun – but it was not for us.

We also thought about doing a destination wedding and only inviting close family members. But with all my favorite people have troves of children to pack around, I realized it would make it near impossible for my close family to make the journey, or at least an unfriendly hassle.

If you’ve got more tips for wedding venue hunting please let me know! I was trying to stream of conscious this post but already the venue woes are too far in the past, so I may revisit this particular post once it gets closer to the wedding and I can describe how I knew the place was THE ONE.